My Black Rose

The piano plays a song,
a pretty song.
of such sweet love,
yeah,
such sweet love.

the guitar strums a string,
a strong, loud string.
of favorable ones,
little hearts and doves.

It's pretty hard here...
Living here without you.
It's pretty hard here...
Oh, what shall I do?
When you're gone
when you're gone
When you're gone
when you're gone...
with my black rose.

The drums play a beat,
a hard, powerful beat.
of yesterday,
oh yesterday.

The violin jumps hills,
and high mountains,
of beauty and peace,
life, love, and trees.

It's pretty hard here...
Living without you.
It's pretty hard here...
Oh what shall I do?
When you're gone
When you're gone
When you're gone
When you're gone...
with my black rose


Ohhh

the petal falls

the stem bends downwards

the leaves turn and tear

apart.

It's pretty hard here...
living without you.
it's pretty hard here...
oh what shall I do?

The Choice

What am I supposed to do?

I sit,

with the wind blowing in my face,

my hair floating in the air.

My heart aches,

my breaths are slow and uneven.

The waves of the ocean wash up on the shore,

touching my feet.

The water brings chills throughout my body.

My heart and my brain keep fighting:

my heart wants to go on and be a little crazy yet

my brain wants me to stop and not take risks,

thinking that it's the safe thing to do.

I see other people walking by,

all happy and joyful,

unlike me.

I want to follow my heart,

but I'm too afraid.

I hear the voices of the adults and the children:

laughter and shouts.

I feel all lonely and lost inside.

I need someone to come and be with me and make me feel good about myself- forever.

I see a seashell wash up on the shore.

I take it before the next wave can snatch it back to the sea.

I touch it and look at it,

admiring its beauty.

My heart and my brain can't come to a conclusion.

I guess it all comes down to me:

I have to make the choice,

the heart-breaking choice.......

"My Autumn" Chapter Two Part Two

Chapter Two, part two:

I led him to the living room where we sat down near the dusty coffee table. We were silent for a while or at least until his eye was caught by a colorful art piece hanging on the wall. Ian walked toward each painting and stared. He stopped at "Adrienne's Autumn" and took it down.

He sat down next to me and said, "This for some reason reminds me of you. The colors aren't really that happy but they're not sad and dark. It's nice." I just stared at the painting. I snatched it from his hands and put it back on the wall.

"It's just an old painting. It doesn't mean anything anymore." I ran up the stairs into my dad's art room...MY art room.

As I began to start painting, I noticed that Ian had followed me and sat beside me. I ignored him and kept on painting. The picture was dark and distorted. Even I couldn't tell what the brushstrokes were trying to make. I stopped and stared at Ian because I noticed him staring at me.

"Did I say something wrong?" He inched his way closer to me. I looked down at the floor.

"No, nothing..." He stared outside the window. The angle of his face was almost too perfect as he stared into the starless night.
"Stay there. Don't move a centimeter." I moved my easel and placed it across the direction he was sitting. He stared at me as if i were an alien martian trying to eat his brain.

"Umm okay?" He said with a laugh in the air.
"Don't even smile, Ian. One wrong movement and this whole portrait could be the end of you." I smiled...I actually smiled. I haven't smiled in a while. Not since my dad took me to the park 13 years ago. 13 long years ago...

want to slap him across the face

Feeling like a stick
that is just being
used for wrong
reasons, i say
the words its
over, done
i will never speak
to him ever again
after what just
happened. I feel
like I was just slapped
and just being punishment
for it. Knowing the truth
with him, i feel like
like my heart it is in
the wrong place to
start in and done
with love. as standing
in the roof shouting
the words "I HATE LOVE"
at the top my cold voice.
As saying the words out of
my mouth I feel alive and
ashamed at myself.
But I know this is the best
thing I ever did, time to
move along with life and
don't bother to look it.

"My Autumn" Chapter Two, Part One

Chapter Two, Part One:

I was brought to the police station the day mom killed herself. They didn't know what to do with me because I had no living relatives in the area where I lived, but since I was turning 18 in a couple of weeks I was allowed to live by myself. A policeman named Jack Wells came to me and explained that they would take out the body and the funeral would be in two days. I looked at him and he had the same eyes as Ian.
"Are you Ian's father?" I asked curtly.
He smirked, "Yes, how did you know?"
I couldn't return the smile, but replied, "You have the same eyes."
Jack smiled this time and said, "Well, I'm sorry for your loss. You're welcome anytime at our house if you need anything."
I nodded in agreement, and looked down at my shoes. "Thanks."

The next day I came back to the house where both of my parents had died. I haven't cried at all...I guess all the tears have gone out of me. I stayed near my window and stared at the sky...wondering if my parents were together. Just because my mom didn't believe in God, didn't mean that I had to follow her belief. Suicidals go to hell I thought... Oh Mom...I teared a little bit but didn't dwell on the thought. I wiped away my right eye and felt a bruise. I went back to my dad's art room. So many pictures of everything he had seen in his life. The doorbell rang. I ran down the stairs and noticed that the policemen had cleaned the blood stains from the steps. I opened the door, surprised to discover Ian.
"Uhh hi." He said shyly.
"Hey. Hmm what are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see if you were okay, is all. I thought I might keep you company for a while. My dad suggested it to me. Said he saw you at work and you said you knew me. "
"I don't need saving again, so it's okay. You don't have to hang out with me because you were told too. I'll be fine."
I was about to shut the door until he stopped it with his Converse.
"Wait! Adrianne...I want to stay. Let's hang out for a while."
I thought about it for a split second. Yes or no? I wondered. I didn't feel like arguing so I just decided to let him in.

"My Autumn" Chapter One, part three

Chapter One, Part three:

I entered the ktichen and saw empty liquor bottles on the floor. My mom was just sitting there at the table. I looked at her questionly but just began to pick up the bottles to throw in the garbage bin. I noticed tears sliding down my mom's face though her eyes were covered by the shadow of her dirty brown hair.

"Mom, are you okay?" I came up and knelt beside her.
"Where have you been?" She said angrily. She looked up with fire in her eyes. I stepped back.
"I fell on the pavement and was knocked unconscious. I bled alot and was found by my friend Ian."
She glared at me. She was obviously not in her right state of mind.
"Don't lie to me," she snapped. She got up and got closer to me. I tried backing away but I was cornered into the counter.
"Mom, I'm not lying. I never lied to you." I said quietly.
I never forgave her for what she did next. As she came closer to me, I smelled the hard alcohol as she exhaled. She striked me across my face and I fell to the floor. I felt my cut bleeding again. But she didn't stop there. She started to kick me and attack me.

"Mom! Get off me!" I cried out. But she wouldn't stop. I could've sworn I heard her say "Why'd you leave me, Danny?!"
Darkness crept once again over me.

I woke up on the floor. There was a puddle of blood where I was. I didn't know if it was from my head or from another wound that I had received from my mom's beating. It was 9:40 AM and I couldn't find my mom anywhere. She didn't have work today...maybe she was upstairs in bed suffering from a hangover. I got to the staircase but I noticed bloody footsteps going up but never coming back down. I got worried. I ran up the stairs and followed the footprints. It led to my dad's old art room. It was where he kept his paintings, his paints, his brushes. The door was left open. I walked in and saw my mom sitting on the patched up old stool my father used to sit on when he painted. I noticed that she was hugging an art piece that he had created. It was called, "Emma's Heaven" and it was a scene where you saw nothing but a beautiful night sky. It had stars in just the right places and made you feel calm and at peace. I tried to wake up my mom, but I had felt something weird. She was cold...ice cold.
I turned her over only to find a stab wound on her chest where her heart was. I just stared at her. She looked peaceful with her eyes closed. She looked the happiest she had been in a long time. I took the painting from her hands and read the back: "To Emma, I'll love you until all the stars fade from the sky. Forever yours, Daniel." I put my finger over the words that my father had wrote for my mother. I noticed a new writing at the bottom. It was from my mom to my father. It read: "Daniel, I want to be where you are. I can't breathe without you breathing with me..." The rest was unreadable because it was covered in blood.

I walked to my room and sat on the floor and looked at the mirror. Cuts and bruises all over my arms and body. I noticed my mom hadn't beat my face. Maybe it was because I reminded her of my father. I remember her saying it when I was younger, I heard her say it in home videos when I was brought back from the hospital after I was born.
She looks just like you, Danny. Mom would look up at Dad who was taping all of this and smile.

I sighed and called Karla only to receive her voicemail.

"I can't make it..not today." I whispered softly.

END OF CHAPTER ONE.

LISTEN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juCbjFyOEAc

Letter to The person controlling my life.

I hope you realize how I feel, and what you've done.

Year 2003, 6 years ago from now.

I stared blankly at my uncle, disbelieving his words. Lies...I whispered. "Lies!! You're lying!! It's not true!! She's alive!!! She's in the hospital and the doctor if going to make her better, and she's going to be okay!!!" I yelled at my parents and uncle, who were trying to grab me to calm me down, as I pulled away crying. I didn't believe in what my uncle had just told me. As they left, I grabbed my stuffed toy dog, Benny, that my father had bought me when I was 3. I held it tightly and cried on my bed. I can't remember how long I cried...but all I knew is that I couldn't stop the tears from coming out. I couldn't stop wailing. I couldn't believe. That night was the longest night ever.

When I had cried hysterically, my uncle told my parents to leave me alone, and went downstairs with them. Leaving me alone to cry and cry. I didn't go downstairs, I didn't continue playing with my dolls. I probably cried until I fell asleep. I had dreamed of the way my aunt passed. my parents were in her room by her bed side. The doctor told them there was nothing he could do, the machine as he called it, was already breathing for her. She was gone...

He turned off the machine...and her last breath was gone...she was gone...forever...

Going to school, I wasn't the same person. I became depressed, and didn't want my aunt dead, but she was. She loved me, and protected me, and now she was gone. I cried at least once each day. I had to talk to a psychiatrist for a few weeks or so. Meeting her each day to speak about my dreams and how I was feeling. When done with meeting her, I would walk up the stairs to class, and begin crying again. I tried to hold it in, but when I got to class, the tears came out again. Students told my teacher I was crying, she would tell me my aunt was in a better place as I whimpered saying I missed her. I felt so alone.


Even years later, I still remember. I still cry for her, and I still miss her as much as before. But I'm not as I used to be, I don't cry each day. Usually its when I think of her, or when I visit her at the cementary. The memory is still there.


And I can never forget her.


So I pray, that she is happy, that He is taking care of her, and that she is watching over me, smiling.


Because I am looking up at her, smiling too.

___________________________________________________________

Psalm 23 A Psalm of David.

"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:
for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever."

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