drunk mom

"and don't you come back either! you useless, worthless piece of junk! leave me just like your drunk, mother f-ing father!" i slammed the door on my mother, tugging a duffel bag of my belongings and my book bag on my back.

it was a Saturday afternoon and mom was drunk. again. she laid there on the couch, zombie-like staring into the emptiness of the telly. the day had just begun for me, as i headed down the hall and into the kitchen. it didn't bother me that she was there, and that she was just there so i didn't have to be in a foster home. it was the one thing she had done right for me. i was reaching into the fridge for anything that was edible, when she came up behind me and swung the bottle at me. the hard, stinging pain that accompanied the hit caused me to fall to the ground. i thought, f-ing b*tch. not now. i don't need this, not now. she came at me again with the bottle and i wrangled it from her. she started throwing insults, and none that i haven't heard before. i tuned her out like always, thanked whatever force that stopped me from doing something that i would have regretted, and threw the bottle across the room.
f*ck. what did i do wrong in my life? i don't deserve this, i thought as i reached for the jar of jam and crossed the so called "kitchen" to grab a spoon in a drawer.

as i twisted open the jar, what happened next, i didn't see coming. mom reached for the bottle without my knowing, and hit me again. next thing i know, I'm on the floor again, with glass littered all around, and blood protruding from my scalp. she was standing across from me, tall and proud; finally satisfied i was hurt. in that moment, i didn't have hate for my father. there was only hate for my mother. i was actually impressed he got away from this physco. i was the unlucky one. the one left here with this crazy.
without any retaliation, i picked my self up, took my jam and spoon and headed to my room. crazies always calmed down after hurting others, and i knew that. after all, i lived with one all my life.

i sat at the foot of the bed located across the room, and adjacent from the dresser. the room was originally mom's, but now her drunk ass could barely bring her to the bathroom. the windows brought in the caressing sunlight, that showered my face with warmth. if i was so doomed, why does God tease me with you, my dear sun?, i philosophized, spooning a heap of jam into my mouth. the happiness that followed was short lived, because at that moment, the door flung open, and standing there was mom.

damn. i guess she didn't have enough fun. i braced myself, ready for the pain, until i saw what she pulled out from behind her. tucked at her side, was the bottle. only this time, it was the remaining piece that made it past the last punch. the top was still in tact, but the bottom was formed in the shape of a crown, that looked as sharp as razors. her eyes flared with fire, ready to kill. the picture hit me then. she was going to do it. she was ready to murder. either that, or she was drunk enough. for once in my life, i felt scared, and my body shook. i wasn't ready to die. i decided there was more to live for then this. in a bolt, i dashed across the room, and fought to close the door.
this b*tch isn't getting in, even if it's gonna cost her her hand. back and forth the door moved, as it creaked from the pressure enveloping it from both sides. it was a difficult task, considering she was an ex-wrestler. the door ceased to a stop as it closed and i turned the knob to lock it. i leaned on the door and slided down to sit. she began to bang on the other side of the door, screaming more insults.
"let me in!" bang, bang.
"I'm your f*king mother!" some more bangs.
"don't you love me, you ignorant hoe?!" bang, bang, kick.
"please! let me in! i just want to talk! won't you even talk?" she pleaded.
"go downstairs and sleep it off. you're drunk mom, we'll talk later. i promise." i managed to say.
"DON'T YOU F*ING TELL ME WHEN I CAN OR CANNOT TALK, YOU STUPID B*TCH!!!!!! OPEN THE F*ING DOOR! NOW!!!!" she screamed and pounded on the door some more.

it was a miracle I've been able to live under her roof for 14 years. it has been like this all my life, and in that instant, i decided I've had enough. scanning the room, i found the unused, yet ragged yellow duffel my mother got from the dumpster, under the bed. i took it out and began to throw in the very few items i did own: a pair of sneakers, flip flops, a button down, 4 t-shirts,6 tanks, 3 under wears, some socks, a skirt, dress, and 3 pairs of jeans. it wasn't much, but it was enough. on the desk, i took a comb, the box my grandma left me before she passed, and the numerous amounts of paper, i tied into 2 manageable and portable stacks. she was still pounding on the door, when i began to empty out my backpack, and only adding the things i needed. i knew the door wasn't going to last, and panicked. i shoved in things i thought i needed, including, my homework, a notebook, gone with the wind, and a midsummer's night dream. i glanced back nervously as i added in other's including my secret stash of "$$ for emergencies", my wallet, cell, ipod from Christmas, and my grandma's engagement ring.

with everything ready, i took the knife i kept for "emergencies," out from under the dresser and readied myself, before unlocking the door. i held the knife up, in a threatening stand, more for my protection, than for the satisfaction of killing her. i followed her eyes as she scanned me and my things.
"and where do you think you're going? huh?" her face was filled with unbelievable laughter, as i passed her and headed to the bathroom.
"you leaving? where to? No one loves you. no, not you. A f*ing b*tch." she announced as she followed me. "you're lucky to have me. in fact, you should be kneeling at my feet now, waiting on my wants, night and day. if it weren't for me, you be on the street now, a prostitute f*ing, just for food. I'm the only person you got now, you're family, you're MOTHER!!!" she emphasized."
"Mother?! you think of your self a mother?! you're a F*ing DRUNK!!!!! the pervert across the street is as much as a mother as you are! at least that dude can feed me! you can't even feed yourself!" i reached for my toothbrush, and toothpaste. in the drawer, i took a few "necessities", and a bottle of advil.
that moment, i blew a fuse and she headed for me. i grabbed the knife that was laying on the sink and held it up to her face. "come any closer, and you won't be anything but dead meat." i threatened.
she chuckled and said, "is this how it's gonna be then? you think I'm going to let you out of my door? out of MY house?! after all that i have given you? i gave you life, b*tch. a place to sleep, to live. you think i needed to do those stuff? I'm your mother, sure, but you owe me. and till you've paid, you're not leaving. i don't think so. your going to wish you were dead, before I'm done with you."
my grip on the knife tightened, and i was ready. ready to defend my life, defend for my freedom. "i owe you nothing, you f*ing drunk. you've done nothing for me, and this house that I live in, is not yours, it was grandma's, which she left for ME and till i turn 18, you're just residing here. the food that you and I eat, is what I PAY for. you're just a chain holding me down, and i would've thrown you out long ago, if it wasn't for pity. so don't act like you support me. you're the reason I'm leaving, the reason i live a shitty life. so I'm taking action. one and for all. I'm LEAVING, and there's nothing you can do about it. because even if i have to kill you, i will to leave. save yourself, be smart, and just move out of the way." i said.

comment for a to be continued =)

A mouse lost in the crowd

You wake up and push me away,
And towards the end of the day
I’m sitting here all alone,
crying.

I wish you weren’t this way,
But this is all I can say,
You really got me fed up,
I’m dying.

Don’t be a jerk right now,
Get up, stand up proud,

Show me that you can be
The angel when I first met you.

Don’t act childish now,
Face your problems now,

And don’t push me away,
‘cause I’m helping.

Chorus:

You got me twisted,
You got me losing my head.
I don’t exist here,
I might as well be off dead.
You drive me crazy,
There’s always silence in this house.
And now I’m waiting…
A mouse lost in the crowd.

You wake up and drive me away,
Into a sunset today.
I guess you really have lost,
Your sense of humor.

I wish you weren’t this way,
I wish that you were okay.
And that you’d make me laugh off,
My intestines.

Its really quiet now,
Please say something now.

I’m getting tired of hearing nothing,
And waiting for the crowd.

I have no map you see,
I’m getting real dizzy.

‘Cause I’m lost in your head,
These street lights are dead.

Chorus:

You got me twisted,
You got me losing my head.
I don’t exist here,
I might as well be off dead.
You drive me crazy,
There’s always silence in this house.
And now I’m waiting…
A mouse lost in the crowd.

You got me running,
In front of cars in daylight.
You got me singing,
To myself at night,
How did I get here?
It was ‘cause of you, you see
I may be lost here,
But it’s you that makes me happy.

Don't Trip Me

You said a couple of things
and so did I
Never did I thought that I would cry
But instead of turning away
You held out your hand and promised me everything will be all right
I trust you
We still hang out every now and again
It's not that weird now that we went to friends
Everytime you grab my hand I don't want to let go
But I remember how we are now and I have no choice but to do so
I laugh off everything and pretend I'm okay
He said something to me that made me think another way
Something's just wrong with me
leave me alone to think
leave me alone to breathe
All I ask is that don't trip me
Because I don't think I can fall in love with you again

Turn Back Time

I wish I hadn't said that,
I wish I didn't yell.
I wish I had obeyed,
I wish I didn't cry.
I wish I had forgiven,
instead of holding a grudge.
I wish I had been sorry,
instead of just walking...
I wish I stopped them from fighting,
instead of watching from the sidelines.
I wish I respected,
instead of yelling like a dog.
I wish I could have stopped myself from saying,
those three words....
I wish I could speak to her again.
I wish I could be happy,
I wish I was healthy.
I wish I was smart,
and pretty too.
I wish I didn't give up,
and slack off.
I wish I had just changed my mind,
and done what was right.
I wish I had defended myself,
and earned the right to judge.
I wish I could turn back time,
So all that I've done wrong,
Was forgiven and forgotten,
not held inside my lungs.

The smoke has suffocated me, and took away my strength, and all I can do is lay here, dying of a painful death.

Truly Real

When I first saw you standing there,
I swore my heart skipped a beat.
When you looked at me with those beautiful eyes,
I felt it was love that had come to me.
When we spoke each day,
And spoke for hours long.
I felt that it was truly you,
Who was the one.
I find myself at times,
Only thinking of you.
And sometimes even thinking,
Is this really true?
You stood by me,
Never letting go of my hand.
This love I feel for you is truly grand.
Even though there are days,
That we fall apart.
You have always been there with me,
From the start.
Today I want to let you know,
Just how I really feel.
I want to let you know,
That this love I have for you,
Is truly real.

Take Back Wasted Time

Memories never made
Stories never told
Time never spent
I can't feel anything in this situation
I'm just numb
Why don't I care?
Why CAN'T I care?
You were never there for me
You don't know who I am
Or how my life is
You crossed my mind a couple of times before
But now you're all I think about
For once in my life I want to take back all of this wasted time
And just spend it all with you
If I were never here, would I have been there with you?
Would I be suffering with them in this hard time?
Please be okay
Please hold on for a little bit
So that I can survive, so that I can finally breathe and relax
So that my dad can finally breathe
Let me take back all this wasted time and turn it into something different
I wish you can look at me
I wish you can see who I am
I wish you can know that I love you
And that I'm sorry I'm someone you'll never know

Just Another Ordinary Day

I woke up this morning and stared at the calendar
I remember myself always waiting for this day to come
It was the day you and I met
I loved everything about you
I loved that you loved everything about me
Now as I stare at the calendar
It's nothing more than a memory
Nothing more than a part of me
Nothing more than a part of you
I bet you stared too at the date too
I bet you immediately thought about me
Because I immediately thought about you
You and I are similar
You and I were once a part of each other
But not anymore
Now we barely stare at each other
We wonder what the other thinks everytime we try to talk
It's awkward, but it's okay
I'll still love you like I always have
I'll still talk to you like a friend as before
I'll still hold you in my heart because there was a time I called you mine
I'll just wait around for us to start over again
But this time, start again as friends and nothing more
[10.22.08]

young love

Sometimes people may say that being inlove at an early age is impossible and that we're to young to fall inlove. Well this is happening to me right now at this same time over my boyfriend. I might be 14 going to 15 but what is happening between me and my boyfriend is love and the truth i really love him. I fell inlove with him when I first meet him. It was a great feeling that I wanted to share with him. Sometimes young love doesn't work out but in my case its been working since we started. Young love is great but you have to learn how keep safe and healthy meaning that love is very special that one mistake can changer everything.

Hopeful

Just like fragrance merges into breeze
And fades away ....
Intense moments, with time....
Have a way of seeming like dreams
Who Knows? We may meet again yet
You should never say goodbye
(Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna)

Sometimes we don't know
what happens in the future
or even now. Our thoughts
and minds can change us,
whatever we are thinking.
As we grow from a baby
to a teenager we realize
our life can't be perfect in
every way sometimes we have
to work hard and reach its
goal, its potential. We have
guidance like friends who
supports you, cares about you,
tutors you sometimes. Sometimes
our own parents pressure us
into working hard and knowing
that we have a bright future
ahead. We have dreams
and intense moments
out of time that cour ages
us. But Wat is the point
of doing something
that sometimes makes us
unhappy.

Loving One

When you awaken from the end of despair
She will sit there, watching you, as you twitch.
You will finally feel the release of pain and burdens
When you look into her eyes

She takes away your suffering,
Your pain and tears.
Making sure you will smile again,
She helps you up.

All you do is stare into those innocent eyes
Her hands are cold but warm
How can you let them go,
When they are just so soft…

You have healed, and she still stands next to you
Doesn’t leave your side.
All day and night, she’s there
Watching.

Waiting..

Wishing…

And praying….

For the day she will be held in your arms softly,

And for you to be the one taking her pain away.

Dressed Up With Nowhere To Go

Dressed up real nice this morning
Let her hair down
Touched her face up with a bit of makeup
Put on her heels and she was ready to go
She stared outside her window
Waiting for a boy who would never come
Waiting for a date that will never happen
Because one day he walked in the rain
He didn't see the car coming
and got hit so fast he didn't feel any pain
So she stood there waiting, waiting
The clock was softly ticking
When the day was over, she went and changed
Went to sleep and sighed heavily
She woke up, another day
And she got dressed up with nowhere to go
Sat by her window, just waiting

Letter # 3

Dear Sunset,

Your sky has said good night to you, and let you go.

The day of lovers is on it's way, and quite close.
I'd like to take you to dance,
give you a red rose,
hold your hand tightly,
and kiss you gently as the cold air blows our hair.

You may be far away, but I can dream of these things happening right? Our day will come, when we can finally be together, and actually feel the warmth of each others hand. Mother Nature has been giving you colds for quite a while. I will go to Mother Nature, bow to her, and beg for your health. I want you to be able to breath, I want you to last with me for years to come.

You spark my emotions, make me excited, to the point that I begin to shake, literally! Love feels so good, its almost unbelievable. I never experienced this feeling, this way. The others in my life, they never made me feel like this. You have blown me up like fireworks on July the 4th.

We haven't had much time to speak, but dear love of mine, I want to assure you, I am just fine. Do not worry. It is you that I want to be okay. Please take care of yourself. Sooner or later, even though it may be 2 years or so from now, we will finally be held in each others arms. Warm and comfy, like when siting in front of the fire place.

I will take you everywhere, and anywhere. Show you everything, anything, be with you constantly, and never take my eyes from you.

We will walk down the road in the park, holding hands while ignoring those who stare, and we will walk happily, knowing that no one can stop us, you, ME...

from being in love so deeply.


Sincerely,
Your rays of light.

Jesse

That pretty smile
Brings me some cheer
Some happiness
When you are here.

Those pretty eyes
They are worth while
All the times,
I stare at you and smile

Because…

You were the friend I was looking for

Because…

You are the one that I adore

Ohh

Jesse…
Jesse….
Your beautiful hair
Your awkward humor
Your cute expressions
You’re understanding of things
That no one else would understand…
Your gray blue eyes
You’re something special
Even if you
Don’t feel that way…

I am telling you today….

Jesse…
Remember the time,
We laughed so hard
At something that happened ‘yesterday’
We were going crazy.

Remember that time?
When I first met you
You seemed so cool
And suddenly I just gave in

To your kindness

You

You brought me back up from being down

You

Made me remember how to smile…


Jesse…
Jesse….
Your beautiful hair
Your awkward humor
Your cute expressions
You’re understanding of things
That no one else would understand…
Your gray blue eyes
You’re something special
Even if you
Don’t feel that way…

I am telling you today….

Jesse…

Please stand by me
I’ll be here
For anything

Please oh please,
Tell me
Just one thing

That you‘re gonna stay…


Your beautiful hair
Your awkward humor
Your cute expressions
You’re understanding of things
That no one else would understand…
Your gray blue eyes
You’re something special
Even if you
Don’t feel that way…

I am telling you today….

Your beautiful hair
Your awkward humor
Your cute expressions
You’re understanding of things
That no one else would understand…
Your gray blue eyes
You’re something special
Even if you
Don’t feel that way…

I am telling you today….

Jesse…

When It Rains, It Pours

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now instead, I'm falling apart
When it rains it pours
It pains me to see you with her
My heart is shattered like broken pieces of glass
I can't pick them up because it cuts my hands
Can you put me back together?
I'm suffocating with everyone surrounding me
I'm hurting because of all the pain I feel inside
I can't cry, my eyes are dry
It's just making me fall apart

You know you fall in love when you cry every night when you know he's not yours...he's hers...