I wish

I wish I could be with you.
I wish you would care.
I wish I was happy.
I wish you loved me.
I wish you could realize what you did.
I wish I could get over it.
I wish you had never met me.
I wish we were still friends.
I wish I never said 'I love you'.
I wish I was dead.
I wish I was going around the world.
I wish I found you.
I wish for you to hold my hand.
I wish you were in love with me.
I wish you'd not look at her, but look at me.
I wish you were obsessed with me.
I wish you had a crush on me.
I wish you'd feel the way I feel.
I wish these things could happen...
But wishing does nothing but make me want it more.

Breathe for Love Tomorrow

First of all I would like to say that I'm not angry with you
Though I know you are angry with me
It's not like I can't hear you speak of me
Without anguish in your voice
I don't feel as if I have a choice anymore
Everytime I look at you, you ignored
A girl you once loved
I'm nothing more than a memory
I'm invisible to you
Yet you know what I've done
You said you forgive me
but tell others you haven't
I'm sorry...
I'm freakin' sorry.
Throw all of me out the door
Throw all of our memories onto a bed of thorns
Because I can scratch, I bleed, I make mistakes
I'm human
Did you forget that?
Or were you too caught up in your own feelings that you never saw this side of me?
As I listen to the radio
I just stare at the wall
Knowing that you also stumble and fall
So I forgive you
For the millionth time I forgive you
I can never be mad at you
As I lay all of my feelings out on paper
I'll wait around for some sort of savior

"Why? Just... why..?"

They all say I'm sick. How am I sick?
I just imagine the way people would look when I do something to them, that's all.
Like for that girl.
If I had already graduated from high school, I would have beaten her to a pulp and stomped my heel into her irritating face.
That disgusting face.
That betraying face.
Like I did to my own.
If they all think I'm sick, never talk to me again. I imagine a lot more than just that.
I kill myself every single time I cry.
If there was such a thing as the thought police, I'd be arrested and imprisoned in the psychiatric ward long ago.
I'd be arrested as a serial killer.
A murderer.
The young girl who turned her heart black before entering high school.
The girl who never really knew what love was.
Besides the fact that she would kill herself over and over again to try and find out.
She wanted to know what it was.
She didn't believe that it was actually something that caused nothing but pain.
But she was able to meet a someone who gave her even a tiny bit of hope.
That someone didn't want to show her any of his feelings.
Only showing her the cold and cruel side of this 'love' that she wanted to know about.
That I wanted to know about.
I thought...
"Why? Just... why..?"

Bounce

Sweat dripping down the side of my face
As I run real fast, my heart begins to race
I jump, I dodge, I dribble, I'll shoot
This is my life
It's what I do
I feel the wind run down my back
The game's getting hotter
And I can't relax
Time's almost up
It's time for me to jump
I fly, I'll shoot, I'll score
Watch me soar
The balls goes swish and it's in
I play all day and only for the win
It's how I rock
It's how I roll
When I'm on the court, I'll give you nothing but a show

was I really over him?

Thats it im over this boy no more pain no more joy
I dont even think he likes me he isnt even worth it
why waste so much time on him hes a loser I hate him
Its all his fault for making me like him ive met cuter funnier boys
So why is he so special. Today was the day I finnaly got over him
he said hi to me I said hey and we went our seperate ways
I was doing great a day passed a week and finnaly I moved on.
Then one day he looked me in the eyes we were all alone
and although he said no words my heart beated faster
my palms got sweaty and he smiled and walked away
then the crush started all over again just because he did that
back to square one then I relize was i really over him or
was my brain lieing to my heart this whole time?

My Broken Heart

A tear runs down my cheek.
I can't control it.
A feeling of darkness seeps into me.
I feel so depressed, so angry.
More tears.
I feel dead inside.
My heart has been slain,
slain by feelings of torture.
I sit in the corner,
wondering what to do.
I don't want to go through this anymore.
I scream.
It hurts.
I am taken over by the fear,
the fear of rejection,
the fear of alienation,
and the fear of depression.
I can't stand it.
I am blinded by the darkness,
unfolded by feelings of jealousy.
What's wrong with me?
Why?
Why, I ask, why?!?!?!
What have I done?
I'm a failure,
a failure of life.
I want to be me.
Unfortunately,
me is not good enough,
not good enough for the world.
I'm all alone.
I lost my chance,
all of my chances.
I am such a fool.
How could I have not seen this?
Why was I such a coward?
My face is wet
because of the pool of tears that has flooded my eyes.
I can't breath,
it's too hard.
My heart aches,
aches for another chance.
I can't stand this anymore.
What can I do????
It's unfair.
I never saw it coming.
Too much is going through my head right now.
I can't think straight.
Another tear.
I inhale.
Oh, no.
My heart breaks,
shatters into a million pieces.

Success and Critics

I've been writing a book lately (even though I've only got half a chapter down...) and I would really like a few critics. It's the story that I started on my English teacher's 'Creative Writer's" blog that I never finished. I will post it under this little message thingy after I am done... typing. Ok. I'm done typing. Come, my dear critics!! Come and be... mean..?

----------------------------------------------

Title: Untitled for the time being

Genre: General

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Manga and anime is not mine. I wish it was though... -Sigh-

Summary: Sawada Tsunayoshi is married. Sawada Kyoko has two kids. A boy, a girl. The boy is a wimp. The girl is the eleventh boss of the Vongola family. A shy, elegant girl named Shiroku makes her debut in the mafia world.

This story is about Shiroku's life.

Warnings: OCs, slight violence and OOC-ness

---

The slain man laid before her, body torn and and shattered. To be simple, the man was dead. Other dead bodies surrounded his. Only on heartbeat was heard throughout the entire room, the entire building, even. It belonged to a young girl, barely 11 years of age. She held one of the two silver pistols that she had brought along with her. The other was strewn amongst the dead bodies, a small pistol in the bloodiness and vastness of the large room.

The young girl had mismatched eyes, one brown and the other a silvery blue. Her hair was the blackest color, the darkest that one would get if they mixed up a whole tubful of the blackest paint found in the entire world. It glowed a reddish color in the sun, giving her hair a bloody hue. She was dressed in clothes that were as dark as her hair. A small, silver, downwards, crescent moon hung from her neck on a silver chain. Two other silver chains hung around her neck, one held two rings while the other held a dog tag with a black snowflake embedded on it. A rather large tattoo was revealed to the world as the wind blew her bangs aside slightly. On her left cheek was a black tattoo labeled 'XI'.

She laughed. It started out as a nervous, scared laugh. It slowly developed into a strong, amused laugh. She smiled at the dead body, knelt down to stroke the man's face, then kicked his body. Hard.

"You had it coming, sensei. It's bad to take advantage of little girls. You made a fool of us in class because we all didn't like the way you treated us. Almost all of us were raped by you and nobody was allowed to say anything. You threatened us. You killed one of us. This is what you get. What goes around, comes around."

Shiroku got up and exhaled the bloody smell from her lungs. The girl was a bit frightened that she had actually taken a human life. She felt as if she was being a slight bit too indulged in 'avenging' the other girls of her class. She went to look for the other half of the twin pistols that she had dropped, shrugging this fright off.

Finding it, Kuroyuki pocketed the two pistols as she left the now empty building. She walked through the streets and headed back to her home, her warm house, ready to tell her father what she had done. She was ready to tell her father that she had finally gotten over being the shy little girl in school who never spoke, ready to break out of the tiny confinement called loneliness. She was ready to take out the clothes that her enthusiastic mother had gotten for her at the beginning of the school year. Shiroku was ready to show her godfathers and her godmother her dying will and to her tutor that this little girl had finally matured and made her debut in the mafia world. She was ready to steal the place for Vongola eleventh from her useless older brother who had the wits of her father back when he was in school.

All she kept thinking was how happy her mother would be and how shocked her father and brother would be.

Reaching her front door, Shiroku took a deep breath, then stepped into the house while being careful of her kittens' food and water dishes. She heard loud noises coming from the kitchen, clanging of pots and pans and the yelling of voices and laughter. Shiroku peeked her head into the kitchen after hanging up her black leather coat. She saw the kitchen table surrounded with suited men who were all around her father's age. They were all her godfathers. And a godmother. Shiroku looked up from the table and saw her tutor, the only one wearing a hat in the house. She jumped when the silver haired man waved at her. Shiroku stepped out from behind the wall and bowed to her godfathers and her master. Her mother walked up behind her and gave her a hug.

"Welcome home, Shi-chan. I heard that you stood up for yourself today. I'm so proud of you. You finally showed everyone what a strong girl you are." Sawada Kyoko bent down and gave her daughter a peck on the cheek, hugging the little girl.

Shiroku's father sat up right after finishing his one thousand sit-ups and push-ups. He smiled at his daughter, ready to ask her a few questions to clear things up for him.

"Shiro-chan... You didn't really kill the man, did you?", Sawada Tsunayoshi questioned gently, a bit nervous from the news of his daughter's actions. He felt a rather hard object make contact with the side of his head and groaned after landing a few feet from where he had just flown from.

Leon, Reborn's transforming lizard, had turned into a rather large sledge hammer at the touch of Reborn's hand. The green sledge hammer was what made contact with the side of the mafia boss' head, despite the fact that the man should have already gotten used to the treatment. The sledge hammer changed back into a green lizard and settled himself on Reborn's hat.

"Tsuna. If you still have the energy to worry and freak out, that means you haven't trained enough. Do a thousand more." Reborn looked over at Shiroku and smiled slightly. "Forget your useless father. Let's all talk about you. I think you've already debuted in the mafia world, haven't you? You can take your spot in the mafia family but you still have to get your own family members."

Shiroku nodded fiercely, listening to what her tutor had to say, then felt a warm hand on her shoulder. She looked up to see Gokudera Hayato grinning at her. Shiroku looked over at the table full of mafioso and smiled, then bowed. "I hope I learn a lot from you guys!"

---------------------------------------

Very badly done, I know.

They step on my shoes

They step on my shoes,
marking the clean whiteness with dirt.
making me feel low.
They keep stepping on my shoes.

They step on my shoes,
pummeling me down.
thinking they finally got me,
They keep stepping on my shoes.

They step on my shoes,
with anger-filled smiles.
not thinking of those who watch,
They keep stepping on my shoes.

They kept stepping on my shoes,
so I stepped up,
and dusted my shoes,
stepped on theirs,
to show I am strong too.

Chapter Three, part one

Chapter Three, Part one:

I was right when I said that Blaine would get me out of working on my birthday. I wished I did though, so I can tell Ian that I couldn't make it. I liked Ian, I really did. I just didn't want to fall in love. But maybe it was too late for that....
Ian picked me up on time and we walked to the Green Meadows Park. It was a warm summer day, and you can feel that autumn was coming soon. The cool wind blew down my neck and my hair flew all over the place. I was kinda embarrassed because I might've looked weird to Ian. Ian just smiled and moved my hair behind my ears. His hands were kinda cold, but I didn't seem to mind. We walked toward the swings and I ran to one and began to swing in a steady rhythm. Ian lagged behind me and laughed. He sat in a swing next to me.
"Aren't you a bit too old to be swinging? " Ian asked as he swung back and forth, matching my rhythm.
I just stared at him back and said, "It's my birthday and I'll do what I want. Besides, I'm not old." I stuck my tongue at him and he just laughed. I smiled as the wind blew against my cheek. I swung even higher than I have ever gone before; it felt as if I were flying. When I gotten to the highest point I opened my eyes and saw a familiar stone building. I realized that I have been here before. I got off the swing and began to walk toward the building I had seen. Ian called after me, "Adri! Where are you going?" He saw that I had no intention on turning back so he got off his swing and pursued me in a sprint. As I ran, the wind would go against my face blowing dust and leaves in my eyes. My eyes began to water; I couldn't see, but I still ran. Memories started flowing into my head and my heart was beating faster. My mind began to spin and I could begin seeing my dad again...standing and smiling. I fell. Darkness crept over me once again.

"It's been a long time, Adri baby." My dad looked at me and smiled. He came up to me and hugged me. This is impossible, I thought, but this was probably the best hallucination ever. He felt like air. I couldn't touch him. I couldn't feel his warmth against my skin because I knew he was dead. He was gone. He'll never come back. He's not going to some painting convention and coming back in two days. I'll never see him again. I began to cry. Baby, why are you crying? He asked with a look of worry. I looked up and my mind began spinning again. Dad was moving away from me, and moving farther. I tried running after him but I couldn't. He was disappearing. No!! I thought. I can't lose him again! I began to run again, but this time I didn't run fast enough. Dad wasn't there anymore and in his place was a note with a message. "I love you, Adri. I'm sorry I had to go so soon. Be a good girl, and know that everything will be okay." Love, Dad. I sat down and curled into a ball. This is only a dream, I told myself.... only a dream.




Ian kept on shaking me, "Are you okay, Adri? Wake up!"
I opened my eyes slowly. I immediately got up and looked around.

APRIL POETRY SLAM!!!!!

Calling all poets!!!!!!!!!!! April is National Poetry Month! There will be a school-wide poetry slam. Winners will get a chance to compete with other poets at Bryant Park! If you are interested in participating, compose a poem on any subject. Let me know you are working on this so I can help you! Poems should be complete by the third week of April!

Happy writing,

Ms. W

"My Autumn" Chapter Two, part three

Chapter Two, Part Three:

A week later, I finished the portrait of Ian. It was really awesome. The ways the charcoal strokes and the grays and blacks mixed in together made it Ian's face pop out.
Unfortunately, a week later was also my birthday. I was turning 18, and I needed to get a job soon otherwise I won't have anymore insurance since I was no longer a child. I searched the classified section in the newspaper but had no luck. School was starting soon, and I needed to buy school supplies, clothes, and money just to support myself.
I went to go to the bank to withdraw money that my mother had saved for my "College Fund", only to find that she had been using money for other purposes like drugs and alcohol. At least 4,000 dollars was thrown away on those dirty addictions. When I went to withdraw, I noticed that my mother hadn't even saved alot. There was only 2,840 dollars left. That was enough for me to get by for a couple of months. I was hoping that before I used that money up, I could get a job.
As I walked along the outlet stores, I saw a job opening working at a frozen yogurt/ bubble tea place. I can do math...well at least adding. I thought to myself. I smiled at the friendly atmosphere and anime characters painted on the inside of the store. I walked into the manager's office and found that it was owned by Blaine's uncle Heath.
"Hey, Adri. What brings you here?" Heath asked kindly. He was only 5 years older than Blaine, but he was still fun to be around. He had dark brown hair streaked with red and platinum blonde hi-lights. Heath was always the rocker and Blaine always tried to follow his lead when they were younger. He had the greenest eyes I've ever seen.
"I'm looking for a job, Heath. It's my birthday in two days and I'll need the cash to support myself." I stared at his desk. It was really messy. I smiled at him.
He nodded, "Oh okay, well look no further. I promise you that you can have a job. You can start tomorrow at the cash register or making the orders of the customers. Either or." He went to his file cabinet to get a working paper for me to sign. I stared at his desk once more and noticed a broken picture frame. The picture had him, Blaine and Heath's girlfriend Amy. This picture was taken 3 years ago because Heath was no longer with Amy. She died because of cancer, and he never dated again another girl again.

He got out the paper and smiled. "Welcome to hell...just kidding, Adri! I'll be a good boss, don't worry. Your first payday will be on September 23. See you tomorrow!" I laughed a little bit at his attempt to be funny, but just shook my head. When I turned to leave, I saw Blaine sipping a strawberry bubble tea at the counter. I went to go sit next to him and leaned on his shoulder.
"Your birthday's tomorrow" Blaine reminded me.
"Yesss, I know." I frowned at him and sat up.
"What do you want to do tomorrow then?" He asked and turned to me. He handed me his bubble tea and I stole a sip. It was cool and refreshing as it slid down my throat. The perfect drink to a hot summer day.
"Nothing, let's stay home." I said.
"No wayy. You're turning eighteen! We're doing something whether you like it or not." He grinned and noticed that I was about to finish his bubble tea so he snatched it back.
"Well, I'm working tomorrow so ha!" I smiled, knowing that Blaine won't buy that excuse. He can always get Heath to get me to not work tomorrow. Blaine smirked at me and rolled his eyes. He was conocting some plan inside his head.

I was walking home when I saw Ian sitting on the sidewalk. He saw me and greeted me with a warm hug. Ian kissed my cheek softly. He never did that before. I felt a weird tingling sensation happened in my stomach. That was weird.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" I asked him innocently.
"Nothing, I wanted to call you but got too scared too. Haha, well uhh I wanted to ask you something." His voice was kinda shaky. Ian never acted like that.
"Uhh okay sure. Ask me." I wondered what he was going to ask. I got kinda nervous.
"Wanna go out tomorrow? ... for your birthday?" He asked me so fast it took me a while to understand what he said.
"Um, sure....if you wanted too." I was shocked. Did he just ask me out? Is he serious? I thought in my head.
"Sure, I'll pick you up tomorrow at 3:00." Ian grinned and his dimples showed. He looked so cute. I wanted to paint another painting of him.
I smiled at him and say goodbye. I was beginning to walk down when I turned on my ipod. Chasing Pavements was playing...it was my favorite song.

End of Chapter Two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz7vGW2_5c0

Hopeful

Each drop falling into my hand as I feel cold and empty. My room filled with pictures of past memories each piece of mystery as if solving a puzzle. Looking around I found a small tiny frame stick to around corner of my bed. A 15 year old girl who once was a normal person that grew up with loving parents that are suddenly constantly fighting. Youngest child she felt to take care of her family Growing up in a neighborhood where it was birds singing in heaven, peace and quite but the little girl felt a guilt of loneliness. Priya saw herself looking at the mirror and sees a short girl that has wavy short hair with tiny fingers used for sparrow and heart. She was wearing an old T-shirt with cut- down jeans, no make-up. Eyes that make up the color of a dark storm that is red, ready to scream. Feeling lonely, hearing voices that sounds like yelling, are about to kill each other. Banging at the table until blood rises of my index. GASH at loud flowing down with shameless and embracement. Tears going down thought out of my face with my eyes showing craziness.

werid things happening

My first simile
as I see him
walking
toward me.
As walking to
class both of us
coming toward
each other like a
slow motion effect.
He sets a fire in
my heart,
a world where
my life has a soul.
As my hair flips
away with my face
motion sets me
walking away
like a little child
who is scared.
Feeling envy
I turn around
to see a smile on
his face wondering
what just happened.
Feeling confused,
my eyes turn rainbow
as if i just won a
lottery. why did
god do this to me?

My Black Rose

The piano plays a song,
a pretty song.
of such sweet love,
yeah,
such sweet love.

the guitar strums a string,
a strong, loud string.
of favorable ones,
little hearts and doves.

It's pretty hard here...
Living here without you.
It's pretty hard here...
Oh, what shall I do?
When you're gone
when you're gone
When you're gone
when you're gone...
with my black rose.

The drums play a beat,
a hard, powerful beat.
of yesterday,
oh yesterday.

The violin jumps hills,
and high mountains,
of beauty and peace,
life, love, and trees.

It's pretty hard here...
Living without you.
It's pretty hard here...
Oh what shall I do?
When you're gone
When you're gone
When you're gone
When you're gone...
with my black rose


Ohhh

the petal falls

the stem bends downwards

the leaves turn and tear

apart.

It's pretty hard here...
living without you.
it's pretty hard here...
oh what shall I do?

The Choice

What am I supposed to do?

I sit,

with the wind blowing in my face,

my hair floating in the air.

My heart aches,

my breaths are slow and uneven.

The waves of the ocean wash up on the shore,

touching my feet.

The water brings chills throughout my body.

My heart and my brain keep fighting:

my heart wants to go on and be a little crazy yet

my brain wants me to stop and not take risks,

thinking that it's the safe thing to do.

I see other people walking by,

all happy and joyful,

unlike me.

I want to follow my heart,

but I'm too afraid.

I hear the voices of the adults and the children:

laughter and shouts.

I feel all lonely and lost inside.

I need someone to come and be with me and make me feel good about myself- forever.

I see a seashell wash up on the shore.

I take it before the next wave can snatch it back to the sea.

I touch it and look at it,

admiring its beauty.

My heart and my brain can't come to a conclusion.

I guess it all comes down to me:

I have to make the choice,

the heart-breaking choice.......

"My Autumn" Chapter Two Part Two

Chapter Two, part two:

I led him to the living room where we sat down near the dusty coffee table. We were silent for a while or at least until his eye was caught by a colorful art piece hanging on the wall. Ian walked toward each painting and stared. He stopped at "Adrienne's Autumn" and took it down.

He sat down next to me and said, "This for some reason reminds me of you. The colors aren't really that happy but they're not sad and dark. It's nice." I just stared at the painting. I snatched it from his hands and put it back on the wall.

"It's just an old painting. It doesn't mean anything anymore." I ran up the stairs into my dad's art room...MY art room.

As I began to start painting, I noticed that Ian had followed me and sat beside me. I ignored him and kept on painting. The picture was dark and distorted. Even I couldn't tell what the brushstrokes were trying to make. I stopped and stared at Ian because I noticed him staring at me.

"Did I say something wrong?" He inched his way closer to me. I looked down at the floor.

"No, nothing..." He stared outside the window. The angle of his face was almost too perfect as he stared into the starless night.
"Stay there. Don't move a centimeter." I moved my easel and placed it across the direction he was sitting. He stared at me as if i were an alien martian trying to eat his brain.

"Umm okay?" He said with a laugh in the air.
"Don't even smile, Ian. One wrong movement and this whole portrait could be the end of you." I smiled...I actually smiled. I haven't smiled in a while. Not since my dad took me to the park 13 years ago. 13 long years ago...

want to slap him across the face

Feeling like a stick
that is just being
used for wrong
reasons, i say
the words its
over, done
i will never speak
to him ever again
after what just
happened. I feel
like I was just slapped
and just being punishment
for it. Knowing the truth
with him, i feel like
like my heart it is in
the wrong place to
start in and done
with love. as standing
in the roof shouting
the words "I HATE LOVE"
at the top my cold voice.
As saying the words out of
my mouth I feel alive and
ashamed at myself.
But I know this is the best
thing I ever did, time to
move along with life and
don't bother to look it.

"My Autumn" Chapter Two, Part One

Chapter Two, Part One:

I was brought to the police station the day mom killed herself. They didn't know what to do with me because I had no living relatives in the area where I lived, but since I was turning 18 in a couple of weeks I was allowed to live by myself. A policeman named Jack Wells came to me and explained that they would take out the body and the funeral would be in two days. I looked at him and he had the same eyes as Ian.
"Are you Ian's father?" I asked curtly.
He smirked, "Yes, how did you know?"
I couldn't return the smile, but replied, "You have the same eyes."
Jack smiled this time and said, "Well, I'm sorry for your loss. You're welcome anytime at our house if you need anything."
I nodded in agreement, and looked down at my shoes. "Thanks."

The next day I came back to the house where both of my parents had died. I haven't cried at all...I guess all the tears have gone out of me. I stayed near my window and stared at the sky...wondering if my parents were together. Just because my mom didn't believe in God, didn't mean that I had to follow her belief. Suicidals go to hell I thought... Oh Mom...I teared a little bit but didn't dwell on the thought. I wiped away my right eye and felt a bruise. I went back to my dad's art room. So many pictures of everything he had seen in his life. The doorbell rang. I ran down the stairs and noticed that the policemen had cleaned the blood stains from the steps. I opened the door, surprised to discover Ian.
"Uhh hi." He said shyly.
"Hey. Hmm what are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see if you were okay, is all. I thought I might keep you company for a while. My dad suggested it to me. Said he saw you at work and you said you knew me. "
"I don't need saving again, so it's okay. You don't have to hang out with me because you were told too. I'll be fine."
I was about to shut the door until he stopped it with his Converse.
"Wait! Adrianne...I want to stay. Let's hang out for a while."
I thought about it for a split second. Yes or no? I wondered. I didn't feel like arguing so I just decided to let him in.

"My Autumn" Chapter One, part three

Chapter One, Part three:

I entered the ktichen and saw empty liquor bottles on the floor. My mom was just sitting there at the table. I looked at her questionly but just began to pick up the bottles to throw in the garbage bin. I noticed tears sliding down my mom's face though her eyes were covered by the shadow of her dirty brown hair.

"Mom, are you okay?" I came up and knelt beside her.
"Where have you been?" She said angrily. She looked up with fire in her eyes. I stepped back.
"I fell on the pavement and was knocked unconscious. I bled alot and was found by my friend Ian."
She glared at me. She was obviously not in her right state of mind.
"Don't lie to me," she snapped. She got up and got closer to me. I tried backing away but I was cornered into the counter.
"Mom, I'm not lying. I never lied to you." I said quietly.
I never forgave her for what she did next. As she came closer to me, I smelled the hard alcohol as she exhaled. She striked me across my face and I fell to the floor. I felt my cut bleeding again. But she didn't stop there. She started to kick me and attack me.

"Mom! Get off me!" I cried out. But she wouldn't stop. I could've sworn I heard her say "Why'd you leave me, Danny?!"
Darkness crept once again over me.

I woke up on the floor. There was a puddle of blood where I was. I didn't know if it was from my head or from another wound that I had received from my mom's beating. It was 9:40 AM and I couldn't find my mom anywhere. She didn't have work today...maybe she was upstairs in bed suffering from a hangover. I got to the staircase but I noticed bloody footsteps going up but never coming back down. I got worried. I ran up the stairs and followed the footprints. It led to my dad's old art room. It was where he kept his paintings, his paints, his brushes. The door was left open. I walked in and saw my mom sitting on the patched up old stool my father used to sit on when he painted. I noticed that she was hugging an art piece that he had created. It was called, "Emma's Heaven" and it was a scene where you saw nothing but a beautiful night sky. It had stars in just the right places and made you feel calm and at peace. I tried to wake up my mom, but I had felt something weird. She was cold...ice cold.
I turned her over only to find a stab wound on her chest where her heart was. I just stared at her. She looked peaceful with her eyes closed. She looked the happiest she had been in a long time. I took the painting from her hands and read the back: "To Emma, I'll love you until all the stars fade from the sky. Forever yours, Daniel." I put my finger over the words that my father had wrote for my mother. I noticed a new writing at the bottom. It was from my mom to my father. It read: "Daniel, I want to be where you are. I can't breathe without you breathing with me..." The rest was unreadable because it was covered in blood.

I walked to my room and sat on the floor and looked at the mirror. Cuts and bruises all over my arms and body. I noticed my mom hadn't beat my face. Maybe it was because I reminded her of my father. I remember her saying it when I was younger, I heard her say it in home videos when I was brought back from the hospital after I was born.
She looks just like you, Danny. Mom would look up at Dad who was taping all of this and smile.

I sighed and called Karla only to receive her voicemail.

"I can't make it..not today." I whispered softly.

END OF CHAPTER ONE.

LISTEN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juCbjFyOEAc

Letter to The person controlling my life.

I hope you realize how I feel, and what you've done.

Year 2003, 6 years ago from now.

I stared blankly at my uncle, disbelieving his words. Lies...I whispered. "Lies!! You're lying!! It's not true!! She's alive!!! She's in the hospital and the doctor if going to make her better, and she's going to be okay!!!" I yelled at my parents and uncle, who were trying to grab me to calm me down, as I pulled away crying. I didn't believe in what my uncle had just told me. As they left, I grabbed my stuffed toy dog, Benny, that my father had bought me when I was 3. I held it tightly and cried on my bed. I can't remember how long I cried...but all I knew is that I couldn't stop the tears from coming out. I couldn't stop wailing. I couldn't believe. That night was the longest night ever.

When I had cried hysterically, my uncle told my parents to leave me alone, and went downstairs with them. Leaving me alone to cry and cry. I didn't go downstairs, I didn't continue playing with my dolls. I probably cried until I fell asleep. I had dreamed of the way my aunt passed. my parents were in her room by her bed side. The doctor told them there was nothing he could do, the machine as he called it, was already breathing for her. She was gone...

He turned off the machine...and her last breath was gone...she was gone...forever...

Going to school, I wasn't the same person. I became depressed, and didn't want my aunt dead, but she was. She loved me, and protected me, and now she was gone. I cried at least once each day. I had to talk to a psychiatrist for a few weeks or so. Meeting her each day to speak about my dreams and how I was feeling. When done with meeting her, I would walk up the stairs to class, and begin crying again. I tried to hold it in, but when I got to class, the tears came out again. Students told my teacher I was crying, she would tell me my aunt was in a better place as I whimpered saying I missed her. I felt so alone.


Even years later, I still remember. I still cry for her, and I still miss her as much as before. But I'm not as I used to be, I don't cry each day. Usually its when I think of her, or when I visit her at the cementary. The memory is still there.


And I can never forget her.


So I pray, that she is happy, that He is taking care of her, and that she is watching over me, smiling.


Because I am looking up at her, smiling too.

___________________________________________________________

Psalm 23 A Psalm of David.

"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:
for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever."

.*.*.*.*.*.*.:::.*.*.*.*.*.*.

"My Autumn" Chapter One, Part Two

Chapter One, Part Two:



Hey Dad! If I catch a ladybug and never let it go, what will happen? Can I keep it? I smiled at him with shimmering eyes. He laughed and said if you want too, but let it go after you're playing it. I frowned. Why do I have to let it go? He held my hand with the ladybug in it, and said you have to let go of things in life that aren't important anymore. When you're older you'll realize what you have to hold on too and what you can't hold onto in life, okay? I was confused at what he said, but I let go of the ladybug because he told me too.



I woke up. I haven't dreamt of my father in a long time, not since I was 8 years old and now I'm 17. I looked over at my alarm clock and it read 12:30. CRAP! I'M GONNA BE LATE! I ran out of bed and threw on an old pair of darkwash jeans and a dusty green shirt. I grabbed my wallet, and sketchpad and threw it in my bookbag and headed out the door. As I ran down to the train station I accidentally tripped and fell. I hit my head hard against the cement and saw some blood splattered across the pavement. I groaned in pain. I am sensitive to cuts and bruises for some strange reason. My eyes began to blur. I don't know if it were from tears or from the loss of blood and then total blackout.

I woke up in someone's living room. It wasn't Karla's or Blaine's house. I turned my head to the right, I saw a man sitting there sleeping lightly. I was scared and as I got up I had bumped into the coffee table making a noise that woke up the guy. Oh my god, I'm so stupid. I woke up a possible murderer!!! I thought in my head.

"Wait." The guy had said. He had a a smoky tone to his voice. It was nice.
I stopped where I stood and turned around.
He walked toward me and grabbed my shoulders.
"Are you okay? You were unconscious when I found you on the street."
I tried to remember what had happened and sighed in aggravation. I had forgotten to meet up with Karla and Blaine.
"Ugh, I'm fine. Do you have my phone?" I rudely asked.
He stepped back. "Yeah I do, it's right here." He handed it to me.

I grabbed it and dialed Karla's number. She wasn't picking up her phone.
I threw my phone in my bag and sat back down on the couch. I put my head in my hands but I immediately reversed my actions because it hurt the cut on my forehead. The guy sat next to me.
"My name's Ian Wells." I looked at him. He had a rugged sort of look. His eyes were a grayish blue with brown wavy hair. He had some stubble against his cheek and a strone jawline. I wanted to paint a portrait of him. He was beautiful.
"My name's Adrianne Emilton. Call me Adri." I said in reply. I was still staring at his eyes.
He grinned. "That's a nice name. I like it."
I laughed and nodded in agreement. Gosh, I'm stupid. He's so cute and I'm the idiot with a bandage on my head. I thought to myself and grinned. My phone rang. It was Blaine.

"Excuse me for a moment." I said to Ian. He nodded his head and opened a book to read. He was reading "Romeo And Juliet" by Shakespeare. He has good taste in books.
I picked up the phone and said, "Yeah?"
"Thank God! Where were you? We were calling you for like a long time." Blaine exclaimed.
"I'm fine, I'm...I don't know where. But I'll explain the situation to you tomorrow. I'll meet you at the mall tomorrow again, okay?" I said.
Blaine sighed. "As long as you're okay. We'll try again for tomorrow. See you then."
I hung up the phone and looked at the time. 10:45 PM
"Oh my gosh! I should be getting home." I said. I grabbed my things.
"Thank you for everything, Ian. I'll see you around." I ran out the door to run home.
"Wait!! Let me give you a ride." He walked to a black car, and motioned me to get in. I knew if I walked I would get home at 11:30 and plus I didn't know where I was so I reluctantly agreed.

It was a quiet ride for the majority part of it, but we had a decent conversation. I found out that Ian likes to play the guitar and goes to Fairfield High School just like me. I never saw him around before though. When I arrived home, I smiled and thanked him. We exchanged phone numbers to keep in touch and he waited until I was in my house until he drove away.
I smiled to myself as I shut the door. I saw the light in the kitchen on and saw my mom sitting there...waiting for me.

"My Autumn" Chapter One, Part One

Chapter One, Part One:

"God doesn't exist in this house," my mom had once told me after Dad had passed away. I just stared at her blankly, and was just shocked by what she said. Her own father was a pastor of a thriving church in Michigan, and she had just renounced her faith that she had followed for all of her life. She walked outside for a little smoke. I looked out the window and watched her as she silently cried in between puffs. My heart broke for her. I sighed and went back in my father's spot by the porch and painted her leaning against the fence on a grey cold day. As I was painting this the telephone rang, and it was Karla. Karla, was my best friend ever since kindergarten. She had this bubbly personality that always made me laugh. Without her, I wouldn't be painting.

"Hey Adri!" Karla happily said.
"Hey, what's up? " I replied, still staring out the window.
"Nothing much, I was wondering if you had gone shopping yet for back to school fashion."
I smiled. Karla always had to be the one who looked good when she first goes back to school.
"No I haven't, I haven't had anytime. My mom is still... hm ya know," I had said.
Karla always understood what I meant without me having to say it. That was the best thing about her. She always understood me.
"Ohh okay. Do you want to come with me tomorrow and we'll meet up with Blaine?" She asked.
I stopped painting. "BLAINE IS BACK?"
"Yeah, he flew in last night. He's going to be visiting for a couple of weeks and then going to visit his dad uptown. But he'll be back in time for school."
I thought about Blaine. I haven't seen him in years because his mom had divorced his dad and moved to Georgia. Now he came back to live here and was going to the same high school. He is another of my best friends who never let me down. WIthout him, I wouldn't be smiling.
"That punk didn't call me," I laughed. "But I'll meet you at the mall at 1:00. Call me when you get there with him, okay?"
Karla laughed, "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow"

I hung up the phone and stared once again outside. My mom was still in the same position as I had left her... She was in the same condition when my father had left her.

"My Autumn" Prologue

Prologue:

My name is Adrianne Emilton and all I do is paint. I paint landscapes, portraits, anime, cartoons...you name it I can paint it. I fell in love with this type of art when I was just 4 years old. My father, Daniel, had first introduced it to me when I was sitting on a chair looking out the window. He stared at me while he painted and said, "Do you see all of the colors there, Adri? Do you see how real it all is? Imagine all of that on paper." I looked back at him and pondered on his words. Imagine it on paper? Hmm... My father smiled at me and just went back on painting. He always spoke with a light air that felt nice and soft. The last time I heard his voice was when he told me to call 911, when his own brother had stabbed him in the chest. I was just 6 years old. I cried dark tears, while he bled red sticky blood all over the floor. It was the same color that he used in a painting of his. It was a landscape piece of an autumn scene titled, "Adrianne's Autumn". As you look at it, you can almost feel the cool air go down your back. You can almost hear the leaves crunch under the soles of your feet. My mother, Emma, was never the same again after dad had died. She was once a young, vibrant, and beautiful woman that had a silvery laugh that made everyone smile. Now she hardly says a word, and there are dark circles around her eyes. She goes to work, comes home, cooks dinner and sleeps. Now I just watch her on the sidelines and painted in my father's spot by the porch.

I never knew why my uncle Timothy killed my father. My mother never told me, but when he was put behind bars she said that he deserved it. I never visited him, I never got to know him, and I never forgot the way my father's eyes looked like the night he was dying. They still haunt me everytime I go to sleep. If only I had dialed the numbers on the telephone faster...maybe he would've still been here. Maybe my mom would've smiled again and laughed like she did before. But life doesn't always go the way you want it too.

the wrost day today

1, There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.
2. Vitality shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over.
3. Accept Challenges, so that you can may feel the exhilaration of victory.
4. Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude.
5. Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
6. The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.
7. Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.
8. If you want to stand out, don't be different, be outstanding.
9. Change is difficult but often essential to survival.
10. Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.
11. Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.
12. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

the wrost day ever about a crush

I feel getting a knife and
trying to myself feel
better. As people
said"life sucks"
Tears, cries, screams
going from all over the place.
After what just happened
I realized how much anger
I had hidden, I will never
look at him or talk to him
ever again. Lost the heart
but i have my soul to protect
me. I have friends who care
for me, makes me smilie.
As each tear comes out
I Know that it is just a mixture
of emitions. Life is just unfair
we just have to move on.

Friendship turning into love??

Strangely how we meet,
one look, one smile
sets a fire in my heart.
One stare sets me off
walking away from you,
your face has full of answers
that I need to know.
But how???One hug,
one touch, one word sets
me up full of wonder.
We talk and talk until
there is anything left to
left say. I try to ignore,
your face is hard not to
look at. But my heart is
beating every second you
stare me when I laugh,
talk to someone. Walking
each step toward each other
I wondered if you feeling the
same thing. As the wind
blows my hair into a thunder
I feel your eyes looking at me
but I need to know the truth.
Do you? My brain can't think
straight my head has a picture of
you all 24 hours. Shall we?

My wall

There is a wall
Within my room
It's tall and wide
Partially filled with gloom

One side is content
One side is sad
One side is filled with anger
One side is full of regret

There are different memories
Upon this wall
And some of them
Are about to fall
This wall has held me
Within one place
I can not even see
My own face

I have a wall
within my room
and it has done nothing
but bring bad news

It's silky color white
has grown gray
and the memories
hanging on it are filled with hate

I take a hammer
and hit that wall
making a whole
the small cement pieces fall

I can now see
a little of what I missed
the beautiful side of the world
and the happiness within